Voices of the Locked Down

Editor’s Note

The purpose of “Voices of the Locked Down” was to help people put their thoughts and experiences out, and share them with the world, finding solace in the process of doing so. When we were going through the pieces people wrote to us, what we saw were the different ways people were affected by Covid-19. The pandemic was the common cause of everyone’s problems, but no two people faced the exact same consequences. In these writings I see hurt, but I also see hope. People have learned from their painful experiences, and they intend to share all of that with the world.

We hope this initiative will help us all find comfort in sharing pain, and more importantly, in sharing strength and hope with each other to help us overcome these tough times.

We request the readers to read all the entries, and not just a particular few. Some sentences have been paraphrased, while making sure to keep the meaning of these sentences intact. We thank everyone who has written to us, for sharing your feelings and advice, and we hope the readers would find hope, and take away something helpful from all this.

Table of Contents

1. Mathemsetty Sindhura Lakshmi
2. Abhishek
3. GK
4. -Anonymous (Batch of 2018)
5. PV
6. :-)
7. Geralt_0f_Salem
8. Krithi
9. Aditi Palit
10. Anonymous (Batch of 2019)
11. Anonymous (Batch of 2020)
12. Jaynarayan T Tudu
13. Anant Tyagi

Mathemsetty Sindhura Lakshmi

Many of us came across situations that are heartbreaking, like some of our family members getting affected by Covid. I know that pain well. In August 2020 I was infected by Covid for the 1st time. At that time I was supposed to go to a government hospital for treatment. I faced a lot of comments and complaints from my neighbours. They locked my family for 10 days at home, saying that they weren’t supposed to go anywhere even for food. So on one side I was suffering due to lack of facilities at the hospital, while my family was being tortured mentally on the other. Somehow it was me and my family positive support, and most importantly, the belief I had in myself in fighting against it that made me recover. But it wasn’t done. In April 2021, I was again infected by Covid at the end of final semester exams. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t attend any of the lectures attentively, as the Covid medication made me unconscious all the time. The situation this time was even worse, because none of the hospital beds were available. Yeah, I have suffered hell again another time.

But then, I decided to choose my health as my priority rather than marks and all. Just focus on your health get it set well, and then plan for career. Don’t rush in comparison to others. Because everyone will definitely reach their destination just with little time gap.

I just tried putting my pain, maybe it is a little clumsy. But it’s the bitter truth. Be strong. Health is first, goals are next.

Mathemsetty Sindhura Lakshmi, Student (Batch of 2019-2021)

Abhishek

मत पूछ दास्तां इन बिखरे दिनों की
किताबों से, दीवारों से
बातें होने लगी है आजकल रातों से

इतना खौफ जहन में पहले ना था
श्मशान में चिताओं का ऐसा सैलाब पहले ना था
इंसान पहले भी गमों का कम सताया ना था
मगर हालातों का इतना मारा पहले ना था

वो दौर ना जाने कब वापस आयेगा
वो मसरूर पलों का दौर…
वो नुक्कड़ पे चाय, चाय पे चर्चा …
फिर उठा झोला, कहीं दूर घूमने निकलना

रख तसल्ली कर भरोसा
वो जमाना वापस आयेगा
फिर इक बार यारों संग
बेख़ौफ़, बेफिक्र, बेइंतहा
इक नये सफर पे निकला जायेगा…

Abhishek, Student (Batch of 2020)

GK

It all started in August 2020, when my sister and I got a report indicating that we were infected with the deadly pandemic Covid-19. We both had milder symptoms which got cured in a few days, but after we were infected, our parents got themselves tested. Within a week both of my parents got positive in their reports. After 10 days, my mom was well and fine, but my dad still had a fever and his oxygen saturation was less than 90. So after scans and several well-wishers and doctors’ advice, I admitted my dad in the hospital for the treatment. In 24 years of my life, I never saw my dad hospitalised, he doesn’t have any other medical conditions. While he was undergoing treatment, I got my first anxiety attack. Our family ran with the income that came from my dad working as a book binder. Those days my family’s finances and dad’s medical expenditure were managed only with my stipend I got with my course.

After 10 days, dad came home after the treatment. Still he couldn’t resume his work for at least a month. I was managing my family, which made me unable to concentrate on my studies. In mid-October, dad started to go for work again, but still my concentration levels on the studies didn’t come back. I was struggling to get back on track with my project, and when everything was getting better, our aunt (my dad’s elder sister) and her family got affected on March 2021. They were residing in the flat downstairs to us. As her son and husband were undergoing treatment in the hospital when she got infected, I was the only one who can take care of my aunt. I joined her in the hospital, facing a lot of trouble waiting for 32 hours outside the hospital premises as the availability of beds in hospital was scarce. At the time of admitting her in the hospital, her condition was worse, and her oxygen saturation was nearly 70. Unfortunately, she passed away after 2 days of treatment in the hospital.

Again, I was the one who had to take care of all the funeral activities (in place of my dad who would have taken care of her if he didn’t get affected). Within a month still recovering from the pain of losing her, my another aunt (my dad’s younger sister) got affected in April 2021. She had a cardiac issue from childhood, because of which she didn’t get married and was residing with us. Now she is in the hospital undergoing treatment. I have been supplying food and other essentials to her in the hospital. I hope she will get cured and come back home soon. With all these things happening around me, and the weakened financial situation of my family due to lockdown, I’m struggling to concentrate on my project, which is due on 31 of May 2021.

I want to conclude that this is the most stressful year of my life and I hope I won’t experience such a bizarre time in my life again.

GK, Student (Batch of 2018)

Anonymous (Batch of 2018)

Understand, Adapt and Evolve, these 3 have been taking place since the past 15 months in almost everyone’s lives. When I got tested positive in wave 1, I don’t want to mention the time, I wasn’t tensed, rather I wondered about how the symptoms would evolve. And how my living has changed since then. I would say fighting against Covid is half a mental war, and the other half is the discipline one adapts. I was made aware of many such things which are useful in these times. And it’s unfortunate and lucky that I was practising the same, as my parents have been tested positive and were responding well to the medication. I tried to influence them with my perspective of quarantine. Though it was a bit difficult for the first 2 days, they adapted to the environment they were in. Hard days are for everyone. Bring the best version in you, cover the weakness with positive attitude and win it out. Stay Home, Stay Safe. Hang on! One last thing, never hesitate in these situations, like we always do in asking a doubt to a professor.

Anonymous, Student (Batch of 2018)

PV

Eyes meet
Understanding nods
Faraway looks
Stifled yawns
Inside jokes
Suppressed giggles
Daydreaming.

Dreams end,
online classes beckon,
bright screens and stony silences.

PV, Faculty

:-)

New year resolutions, parties, studies, business, politics, everyday gossip; We were all going on with our lives. And suddenly, this meteor called COVID struck us hard. I remember making fun of news channels for their constant relay of this new virus in late 2019. At that time, it was just a disease in some other country. I don’t think anyone had guessed how it would alter our lives. It took over the entire world. Didn’t discriminate. All were affected. Everyone had to shift their focus onto this issue - a Global Pandemic.

It hasn’t been resolved yet, and it doesn’t seem like it will disappear anytime soon. So, what can we do? The constant fear that something bad will happen is lurking everywhere. You switch on your TV’s; the reporters scream the same. You look into your phones; you see many tweets and posts telling the same. But can we actually disconnect from these electronic devices? In these hard times, when we are forced to stay inside our homes, they are the only means of watching and experiencing the outside world. Schools which discouraged students from having electronic devices are now forced to promote screen time. Irony, isn’t it? You kind of realize what being a trapped bird actually means. We, who wanted to explore this vibrant world, have locked ourselves voluntarily. You can’t go out without covering your faces. You can’t be the person you were before.

What I seek to learn from this is, change is the only constant.

Yesterday might have been bad. Today might have been worse. But never forget, there will be a tomorrow, a day waiting for you. This roller coaster ride is full of unpredictable twists and turns. We need to hang on and let the change happen. We need to be strong for our friends, our family, all our loved ones and most importantly ourselves. Never forget, first comes the battle of the mind then the battle of fists.

:-), Student (Batch of 2020)

Geralt_0f_Salem

The dream of studying among the best minds in the world has been put to rest in a way. Never have set foot on the campus, and I don’t think I will. Studying alone is hard, it’s hard to find motivation, the right atmosphere, right people, etc. Work wouldn’t seem this hard when doing it together with others, I think. Trying to stay positive and safe.

Geralt_0f_Salem, Student (Batch of 2020)

Krithi

Death. Suffering. Pain. The only three words that are repeatedly used everywhere these days. You go to sleep telling yourself that tomorrow will be better when you know that it’s a lie you’ve been feeding yourself for a while now. It’s not going to get better. Not for a while. The whole country is frantically searching for hope, for a bit of light to shine on their dark and gloomy days. With each passing day, you hear about another one of your loved ones giving in to this pandemic while you sit in the comfort of your room, not being able to do anything about it.

Amidst all this, you constantly find yourself being pressurized to “look on the brighter side” and to focus on the good things only. But why? You’re at home battling feelings of loneliness, anxiety and grief, and the last thing you would want to believe right now is “It could have been worse”. Yes, you are definitely grateful for what you have, but that doesn’t change the consequences of the pandemic or the fact that you are still trying to cope with it. You see people being productive and working on their goals during the pandemic, and you feel inadequate because all you’re doing right now is trying to get through the day without giving in to the anxiety. But that’s completely okay. Not everyone copes up with stress by distracting themselves or being productive. You shouldn’t have to pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t.

The first step to battling an emotion is accepting it. By forcing yourself to stay happy and positive you fail to give yourself the space for validation and self-compassion which are essential for mental health. Pressurizing yourself to be okay in the long run will evolve into the belief that feeling grief or distress is for the weak and this, is harmful. However, acknowledgment doesn’t imply that you should completely give up and feel hopeless. Sooner or later, it will get better, and it’s okay to hold on to the hope that eventually everything will be fine. Accepting your feelings gives you room to recognize whatever you’re feeling and also helps you face your emotions in a healthy way.

Most people don’t realize that toxic positivity is harmful and once recognized, it’s easier to identify and remain uninfluenced by this negative form of optimism. As the saying goes, “If you keep brushing problems under the rug, you eventually start to trip over the lumps you form”. Trying to suppress your emotions is as good as forming these lumps which hinder your progress in healing and overcoming problems. It is important to make the best of the current situation, not by forcing yourself to do something productive but by accepting the situation as it is and doing the best you can with it. The only person who really knows you is you, so make sure to deal with what you’re feeling without succumbing to what the world thinks you should feel.

Krithi, Student (Batch of 2020)

Aditi Palit

The second wave of Covid took a lot from the people; loved ones, courage to survive, motivation and peace. My parents were admitted to the hospital and all those days I had sleepless nights, didn’t have the will to talk to share, a constant loneliness was there, frequent break down and a 24x7 anxious mind. It was a time when one had to be strong no matter how hard the days were because even if you don’t believe optimism was the only way to escape this feeling of uncertainty.

Aditi Palit, Student (Batch of 2021)

Anonymous (Batch of 2019)

By gods blessings, though my home mates are safe from Covid, there has been a huge loss to my close relatives which I can’t digest even now, and it took 2 weeks for me to come out of that saddened news. I was absolutely fine, but only physically. My mental health is worse, I say. I couldn’t take food properly, couldn’t do my regular activities, and nothing I did during those suffering times. Some of my relatives’ death story is really heartbreaking, which made me feel so scared of Covid that I couldn’t improve my mental health. And finally I could say my experience in these tough times are worst. I hope our world gets out of this pandemic very soon. More power to all those families who are effected by Covid.

Anonymous, Student (Batch of 2019)

Anonymous (Batch of 2020)

Nothing seems to make sense
Because everyone here is tensed
We assumed it was the best defense
But it was just skillful pretence
Now all we want is to jump over this fence
But are we really ready to be that intense?

Anonymous, Student (Batch of 2020)

Jaynarayan T Tudu

Covid has been completely unusual in many ways for many of us. I had never imagined that the Covid will bring with the problems of different nature. All the problems are of unpredictable behaviour. Covid has certainly taught us a many lessons, though it is highly doubtful if we have learnt any.

We have been tracing the spread of the Covid since December-January 2020 when it was starting at the epicenter at Wuhan. And it was very much clear like the any other viruses of our time such as flu etc that it would spread very soon the entire globe. However, the most surprising things during that time of January 2020 was that the public were not so much serious about the consequences. Most of the people including myself were in impression that it would not be much serious and every one would recover within few days if infected. However, the situation as days progress have been turning out to be different as we get to hear the data from around the world and particular the European regions and then USA. Life was moving normal and the seriousness was not so much till the time lock-down was declared in India on 25th March 2020. We were among the colleagues discussing the situations and possible outcomes, solutions, etc. a week prior to the lock-down. When the lock-down was declared the situation become a completely different. Lock-down in my opinion was the only solution to control the spread of Covid at that time. However, the secondary effect of lock-down was something terrific. Daily life has got affected seriously, particularly in the urban areas. Managing daily life while continuing the academic activities has now become a major challenge. With the modern gadgets, the academic activities continued in an experimental mode. I personally did not face much difficulty in delivering the lectures. However, the real challenge was in assessing the students. I had to conduct online personal interviews, one-to-one quiz, google form based MCQ test, paragraph writings, etc. to assess the learning of students. Online teaching however became less interactive with the students unlike the class-room teaching. I also forgot the faces of many of the students whom I knew very well. There were special cases where many students didn’t have good internet bandwidth.

The lock-down has been a different kind of experience for me. I have become less productive and less enthusiastic in due course of two-three months. Realised that a human being or for that matter any living creature can’t be happy or prosperous in isolation. For a few days I have been kind of struggling with some sort of depression, probably due to loneliness. My only solution was prayer to my sweet lord and trying out life’s techniques. Somehow managed the first lock-down in different ways. Online was one of the ways to be connected with the people know and unknown. All of us have made use of it extensively. Covid has taken the life of many who otherwise would have lived this beautiful human life for a few more years to explore what it is? The society we live in is connected therefore if we don’t co-operate, we suffer and fail to tackle the current problem. Lock-down is not a sweet solution, it has horrific side effect, and one of them is mental illness.

Dr. Jaynarayan T Tudu, Faculty

Anant Tyagi

The Gravity of The Situation
Okay. I really wanted to rhyme this out, but unfortunately, the frustration is just too much, and my rhyming meter's dead. Hell, I'm not even punctuating it out adequately. You'll read it punctuated adequately, of course.

The year's 2021, month’s May, date’s 5. We're in the second wave of the virus that I'm so insanely infuriated about that I'll not mention its name in this whole thing. Anyway, the wave hasn't even peaked yet, and I just saw the news, some Mr. fancy scientist claimed that a third wave is inevitable.

Now, for those of you who're reading it as a time capsule or whatever: We've been locked in our homes. For months. Twice. And so, the possibility of a third time is clearly not the thing that we want right now.

Everyone is sad. The gloominess of this time is literally breaking records. Not a single good piece of information from any direction. The second wave is ten times worse than the previous one, and I don’t even want to begin predicting 3.0. Saying that the virus is spreading like wildfire is an understatement. Government is clueless, or maybe wants to remain clueless. "Officially" more than three thousand people are dying every single day. The reality may be three, four, five times worse. People are DYING helplessly. We're running short of medicines, hospitals, doctors, ventilators, Oxygen! Yeah, they’re actually gasping for air and dying because they can't get it enough. The situation is so horrible that if you're living in this time and are lucky enough to not catch the virus, most of your relatives are not. At least one of your loved ones has died. And you can't meet them or help them because you're naturally forced to save yourself first. EVERYONE is either infected or affected.

But.

I am not writing this about the people who are infected. Neither about the people who died. Nor about the people who are dying. I am writing this about the ’affected’ people. The people who are ’so lucky’ that they are not infected. The people whose trauma, anxiety, depression, and messed up mental state are completely under shadowed because of course, death is worse. See, I know that we’re very fortunate that we wake up in our cozy beds every day, eat out from our vast stock of food, and watch TV with our complete family. And I respect this. And I am grateful. But is that all? Is this our life now? This helpless gratefulness? This is not LIVING. This is just SURVIVING. And I don’t know who to blame for this or how to correct this, but, for a lot of people, this was the time of their lives to LIVE, and this ’fortunate survival’ isn't really the kind of life they were hoping for right now.

In my time and my country, words like ’mental health,’ ’stress,’ ’depression,’ ’anxiety’ are just beginning to be considered seriously. And this is very sad because the severity of these diseases is spreading faster than the awareness about them. And this problem is definitely more significant than it seems. I’ll try to explain through something I have complete knowledge of because I am one of them: College students.

Now, hypothetically consider this as your own life. Three years back, you’re in 11th standard, and you’re kind of ambitious. You enroll yourself in the country’s best coaching center to prepare for the country’s most important entrance exam. But you’re not really that good. You struggle for an insanely long amount of time. The following two years feel like twenty. You pass through multiple phases of stress-anxiety-depression-trauma. You forget about your school life because you’re busy preparing for your future, for something bigger than others. You’re finally about to reach the end of the tunnel, so exhausted that it doesn’t even matter if you get selected or not. You just want it to end.

Enter: A global pandemic. The world is at a standstill. Everything is just paused because even the wisest of people are trying to figure out what is really happening. Your personal problems suddenly start to look smaller. After being postponed multiple times, your exam is finally conducted, and you actually do reasonably well. All that suffering and pain starts to look like it was worth it. You get into a reputed institute to pursue your higher studies. For the first time in a long time, you are actually excited about the future.

But the pandemic demands that it’s not safe enough to go to college yet and hence you have to start your studies through your laptop, Online, for about six months. Even though it’s an entirely new and, frankly, terrible experience to have your entire college inside your laptop screen, you accept it. The pandemic has cooled down in these six months. But not completely. So, it is decided that another six months will pass the same way just as a precautionary measure, although it was perfectly safe to conduct the entrance exam during the pandemic. You’re disappointed that you’re not getting the life and personality development that your elder cousins did and consider as the best time of their lives, even though you did everything right, and probably better. But you accept it anyway. Three months pass this way.

Enter: Global pandemic wave 2. It’s now worse than ever. All the helpless things are repeating themselves but on a tremendously larger scale. You barely listen to your professors speaking through the screen. Not just because it’s effortlessly inefficient, non-interactive, boring, and feels useless. But because this time, it’s just too hard to focus on your studies or yourself when all you see and hear around you is death and destruction and misery. By the way, the ’precautionary six months’ have been extended until further notice. You have been repeatedly informed about the opportunities and fun that you are missing out on because you haven’t even seen the face of your college. But no one provides the solution to this. No one knows the solution to this.

This frightens you. You are stuck. Every day you wake up after a sleepless night because you were too busy thinking about ’what could have been’ if everything was normal. Then, you act in front of your parents as if you’re listening to the lectures, and you know this is wrong and ultimately harming you but, you don’t know what to do. You can’t meet your friends. You can’t make new friends. You can’t play outdoors to refresh yourself. You can’t do anything about it. It’s completely stagnant. Your entire life is now 5-8 hours of 1366 x 768 pixels. The Worst part? Your parents, your institute, your faculty, none of them thinks of it as an actual problem. In fact, it’s an advantage for you that you’re in the comfort of your home, with your family 24x7, and still completing your studies. They don’t take it seriously, even if you mention it as a problem. It’s just an excuse not to study. And it’s not exactly their fault. They’ve never seen such situations, never thought that mental health is a thing or that it is essential.

But, it’s not your fault either. Yet, you are paying. Every day. You can understand the world’s situation, but unfortunately, the world can’t understand yours. It’s too soon for everyone to realize that you’re not well mentally just because you have to remain at home. Not to mention that the home is quiet and heavy-hearted too because your family or your friends are getting infected one by one, and positivity has lost your address. Oh, also, you do remember that you sacrificed your school life for this, right?

If this hypothetical situation didn’t make you think that I’m not just blabbering words, but I do have a point, the mental state of the affected people is actually concerning, then you’re just one of those parents or officials I talked about above.

And if you’re one of the affected people, It is what it is. No one can guarantee how long it’ll take for things to get normal, if they’ll ever get normal. This is not a fake motivation that “Everything will be alright, I know,” I don’t know. No one knows. But maybe we can share the pain. Talk it out. Realize that we’re not the only ones like this, and so we’re not alone. Realize that some people do understand the under-shadowed problem we’re facing.

Let’s meet sometime. Oh no, we can’t. Let’s chat sometime. Okay?

Anant Tyagi, Student (Batch of 2020)

Paraphrased by,
Prabhat