Summer of Nothing

Brought to you by a bunch of writers at Udaan who fall under this umbrella of “Us”, this article hopes to do nothing. Yes. Nothing. Well, not technically nothing. Technically, this article hopes to voice out our Summer Vacations in a horribly blended fashion in the hopes that you, yes you, will find this one moment to really say, “Oh! Been there!” or “Yup, I know exactly what that feels like”. Merely saying that would put both you and us at ease, knowing that somewhere out there is another human who feels what you feel like.

For added context and reading pleasure, do note the following: any text beyond this that is italicised implies some sort of dialogue coming out of a “brain cell”, the internet popular term to imply “my brain thought of this”. Any text beyond this that is not italicised is simply the narrator, your companion and probably saviour for the story to follow. Any text beyond this that is enveloped by a *pair of asterisks* implies an action being done. And lastly, any text beyond this that reads…

“I hope this made you happy and not sad”

…implies that the writers wrote this in the hopes that all you felt in that moment of the story was genuine happiness and not a cold and harsh happiness, the kind that has a pinch of sadness in it.

*zipper zips*

And that was the last of the bags packed. All the clothes taken off the stand. The desk emptied. The dustbin dusted and done. The mattress and bucket stowed away. At long last…

…Summer...

…was here.

This was fabulous timing. The semester was more than climbing a mere hill. It was a full-fledged mountain, with its never-ending assignments, labs (and those pesky lab reports) and tests. Oh tests… OH TESTS! THE ENDSEMS ARE OVER. The time to chill couldn’t have lined up much better in life.

After what felt like forever, vacations were finally here. The days of waking up around noon and lazing around the house doing whatnot may not be appealing normally, but to a sleep-deprived burnt-out college student? That’s nirvana!

The trip back home is akin to a war hero returning from the battlefield. The brain wastes no time in synthesising a rosy memory of the semester. And what does it do with this memory? Well, it plays it on loop until it is shut out by snoring noises. All those days staying up late with friends, all those trips out to get food and shopping, all those hectic moments before deadlines and exams. It was hard, sure. It was relentless, and harsh. It felt lonely at times, and a little disheartening other times. But it was worth it, no?

Maybe it was all worth it. This was a nice semester.

Ha, but forget all that mushy stuff, VACATION is here. 
I better try my hand at all those things I’ve been putting off since college. AND get some sleep. Yes, I will get some good, good sleep. 
I’ll try out my guitar again. I’ll get back to writing poetry. I’ll meet all of my high school friends again. I’ll have a heart-to-heart with my little brother about his crushes. I’ll get a new laptop. I’ll watch as many sappy rom-coms as I can. I’ll…

*falls asleep*

*wakes up*

Oh boy, the Sun is bright today. Wait. Why is it so bright?
It’s 12:30! Good god, what all classes have I miss-

No. 
I didn’t miss anything. I’m home!

It takes a day or two to calibrate to home settings. Well, why wouldn’t it? Home is warm. Home is fuzzy. Home is comforting. Home gives you peace.

AND HOME GIVES YOU THE FREEDOM TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITHOUT WORRYING!

Oh there’s so much to do today. I’ll have to dust off my guitar! I wonder how my skateboard is doing. I’ll definitely hit the pool today too. Maybe, we’ll go out for dinner. Mayb-

Dinner?
No but before that….
Home food.
I haven’t had home food in so long!

The next steps were undebatable. Brush as fast as possible and go find out what’s for lunch. Why lunch?

“What else do we get during lunchtime? Breakfast? Ha. Didn’t think so.” I’d bet this is exactly what mum would say. She really hated me waking up late didn’t she….

Home food breathes back life into a human. Especially after prolonged exposure to intense radiation of mess food. A full stomach allows the brain to finally think in peace. What next? It’s time to set off on all the side-quests planned out. What follows is usually a very-very tiring and busy day, filled with activities that have been put off for quite some time now.

Now that was a good day. I’ve done a lot of things today. It felt absolutely amazing to be this free after so long. Oh but I still have to go clothes shopping. I’ll have to get my PAN sorted as well. Maybe, I’ll go to that Sushi place with my sister tomorrow. Maybe, I’ll…

*falls asleep*

For the first time in many days, falling asleep is looked forward to. Sleep becomes nothing more than an obstacle between this amazing day and the next. Why sleep? The answer to that during this phase of Summer is essentially, “So I have enough energy to enjoy tomorrow too.”

*wakes up*

This day is a rite of passage in every Summer Vacation. The “meeting friends” day. After 2 whole weeks of planning, hours of “no, that’s a horrible restaurant, the pasta there is just bland” and some other days of “why do you have football coaching on Sundays?” Finally, the time is now.

It has been forever since I saw these people. Wow. They were literally my life back in school. I wonder how they’re doing. I wonder if they think about me like I think about them. School was just a little bit more exciting with these people wasn’t it? Even the absolutely unbearable days…these guys somehow just made it a little more bearable. I wonder how they’re doing. Maybe Daniel got to do Law School and is en-route to become that Attorney he wanted to be? Maybe Tanu figured out that trick to fluffing her pillows like she always wanted? Maybe Abhinav finally outgrew League of Legends and plays some real games now? Maybe Tom lived up to his promise and actually built out a full OS like he worked on since 11th?

Tradition has it, the later into college one meets school friends, the larger the shock is. As life would have it, no, none of those things happened. Instead, everyone has lived completely different lives to what was expected. Life changes people. College changes people. People change people. New things and new places change people.

Maybe it is very easy to change people huh…That’s a little worrisome isn’t it? Have I changed? Have I become something else now? What was I like before? What do my friends think abou-

That’s the catch. Of all the things that have changed, something that stays fairly constant over the years is how much they understand you. How much they can read you inside out. After all, that’s why they’re your close friends right? That’s why they’re still able to understand you right?

Right?
That’s gotta be it, right?
I mean, what else can it be?
Oh. 
Could it be?
Could it be…
…that I’ve not changed at all?

Not everyone is the same. Not everyone grows, learns and changes at the same rate. This has been repeated countless times over the course of human life but the times when one comes face to face with the emotions behind those sayings are quite special. They mark an important moment of realisation in one’s life. The rest of the day often involves a strangely heightened sense of introspection and a pinch of sorrow to go with it.

Is it okay if I haven’t changed? I think it’s okay, I like who I am. I like what I do.
But…

Tom has a job now, he can pay for his own shawarmas. Tanu is working on space research and isn’t worried about her pillows anymore. Abhinav is working on Game-Dev now, he’s really outgrown his games a little too much, hasn’t he…

What am I doing?

Ha. Pfft. I’m on vacation. What else should I be doing? It’s time to chill. Let’s see, what can I do tomorrow? Maybe I’ll pick out a thing or two to learn over the Summer. Maybe, I’ll…

*falls asleep*

*wakes up*

Oh, I’m up. What should I do today? I could maybe try out some new TV shows today. I’ll probably also go get a haircut. Nothing much, just a short trim.

Another rite of passage in every Summer is the urge to perform a skewed form of sadism mixed with masochism, getting a haircut. Not to mention most hairdressers and their ability to somehow get one thing wrong and mess up the whole masterplan.

Oh god, that doesn’t sound like a very exciting day. What can I do? I know. Let’s go out for dinner. Aw man, but dad has work today. Let’s see when he comes back. I’ll probably ask mum beforehand.

“Yes, dad will be back at around 3pm today”
“That’s early, how come?”
“He left at around 1pm, that’s just how long it usually takes him to shop”
“Shop? Dad didn’t go to the office today?”
“Office? Sweetheart…it’s a Saturday”

*panic floods the bloodstream*
It’s Saturday? But wasn’t it just Wednesday yesterday? There’s no way. I’ll have to check this for myself.

Huh. 26th May,  2023. Saturday. 2:12pm.

Saturday…

What happened to Thursday and Friday? Where did they go?
I can’t even tell the passing of time now… Why?
Why?
Why do I feel like this?
It’s almost like Wednesday never ended properly. Not enough things happened on Wednesday. It’s incomplete. My days are incomplete. They aren’t letting me move to the next.

Why?
What am I missing?
Maybe I don’t have something important to do?
I’ve tried all the things I wanted to do…What now?
I’ll have to search out there for something new to do.

Ahh…this reminds me of Lockdown all over again. It was very boring, wasn’t it? 
Wait. Lockdown? Oh my gosh, what happened to those times when we would stay up all night to play games and chat on voice calls? Despite everyone being sleepy and not willing to work one bit, we’d stay up.

What a time.
What a time.
What a time. 

That’s settled. Maybe I’ll pick up some books and games that I used to enjoy before. Maybe I’ll watch a bunch of new shows as planned. Maybe I’ll...

*falls asleep*

Once the brain has grown tired of the world around it, it unleashes the world inside it. It decides to travel back in time, reliving memories that would otherwise have just collected dust on the shelves. This activity, which the experts call reminiscing, is incredibly dangerous in doses longer than 5 minutes. The end result of this activity is a strange sense of longing and a wave of sadness that is quite inexplicable.

*wakes up*

Oh, I’m awake.
Now that I’m awake, what do I do?
Huh…
How about nothing?
But- 
I’m awake, it’s time to do something!
Why?
Oh. I think you got me there.

And just like that, the first 20 minutes of the day simply fly by.

As stated earlier, the brain compensates for a lack of world outside by unleashing its world inside. This also includes an additional pack of voices inside the brain apart from the fundamental conscience. These voices are an absolute delight to converse with (or so I’ve been told) and often allow for some quite wild experiences.

My mouth tastes weird, maybe I should brush now. 
No but, what if I wait? How bad can it get?
No no, that’s probably very unhealthy
Ha. that reminds me, Ethan once said that if you chewed a grain of rice and spat it out in the morning before brushing, it would contain enough acid to put a grown chicken to sleep forever. 
I think I know what to do today.
But where would I find a chicken early in the morning?
Hold on, maybe rice grains are easier to find than chickens. Armed with my acidic rice grains, I can go in search of chickens later.
Beautiful, I think today’s plan has been set - experiment with chicken.

Another 20 minutes have passed. Fortunately (or unfortunately), the plan is rightfully put to a halt by a frustrated scream from the kitchen calling for breakfast.

This is sufficiently long enough into the vacation to remember that new shows and books have not been explored yet. When it comes to choosing a new show to watch, the obvious choice is a hard-hitting emotional rollercoaster of a storyline paired with thought-provoking writing and characters. After all, who even likes light-hearted shows?

Wow. That was a spectacular movie. And what beautiful writing…

“We like because, we love despite.”

What a line. How profound. We have a million reasons to like someone. We find all the answers in the world to the question “why do I like this?”. But what about love? We’d find a million ways to say “in spite of all these reasons, I love it”. Perhaps love is a more up close and raw version of liking. Maybe that’s the magic of love right? To be accepted, for who you are, despite seeing you as a whole, all your imperfections and all your flaws.

Would I ever get to love like this? Would I ever be loved like this? Ah, I think love and stuff is just something I’d find out along the way. There’s no way I’d know beforehand right?

Maybe it’s okay. I don’t need to know beforehand. Oh, how I hope I could be madly in love someday.

*sobbing quietly*
How do people write like this…

“Spring will be here soon.
Spring, the season I met you, is coming.
A Spring without you, is coming…”

His life was black and white. Monotone. And she was the colour. All the colour in his life. Everything he could’ve ever hoped for. I wonder how he will survive now that she’s gone. Gosh, I would be shattered from the inside if I was him.

This is hands down the greatest show ever. I mean, how can there even be a debate…

“How do you…
…plan to live your life?
In the future, after you have killed me,
How do you plan to live your life, Thorfinn?

Haha. You haven’t thought about it, have you?
Move forward already. Don’t stay put in a boring place like this.
 Go forth. Go beyond the world that Thors saw.
 That is your real fight.

Become a true warrior, Son of Thors.”

Huh…
Come to think of it…
What am I doing?
Where am I headed?
Will I be able to find my true purpose?
Will I actually be able to go out there and live in the open world?
Who knows? I can barely keep up with 5 assignments a week…

Maybe it’s time to switch things up this Summer. Maybe I’ll-

*falls asleep*

The days often fly by when committing to watching shows/reading books. The journey of the main character is absorbed into one’s own life, and their vibrant world provides a truly powerful escape route from the colourless and empty world of reality. This is the stage when the dependence on a so-called “coping mechanism” solidifies itself in the daily routine. Speaking of a daily routine, most of the day is dominated by random questions. None of it is routine. Huh? What? Why wouldn’t it be routine? Having nothing to do or nothing to focus on does that to a person. As someone once said, “why u have no main thing to do?”; A lack of primary focus results in scattered and fragmented thoughts. With no primary focus, the brain decides, “But hey, what if I...” and daily life is naught but a mess.

*wakes up*

Today will be different. I’ve had enough. There’s no way I’m going to give into a thought spiral every time.

No. 
I am stronger than that.
I am better than that. 
You know what, I will prove it.

And to that end, after the necessities of the morning, she sat down, stubbornly, with her favourite book in her hands, hoping to fall into the world of fantasy for a few hours, as she used to once upon a time. Little did she know, all she could do was…

*falls asleep*

*wakes up in a daze*

Good God. That was horrible. I just fell asleep reading… ME, of all the people in this world, have FALLEN ASLEEP WHILE READING. This is wild. This is not real. This CANNOT be possible.

Life has been reduced to an endless loop of watching the Sun rise and set with no end and no fulfillment in sight. All she felt was…nothing. The dramatic thinkers know this kind of moment is when some really powerful dialogue from a movie hits -

“For too long, I’ve been parched with thirst and unable to quench it. Too long, I’ve been starving to death and haven’t died. I feel…

…nothing. Nor the wind on my face nor the spray of the sea. Nor the warmth of a woman’s flesh. You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner…

…you’re in one.”

I’m in a ghost story? Am I the…

...ghost?

This could not be it. This was not the Summer that she’d hoped for. After all those days of hard work at college, this was not what was supposed to happen. Where was the reward? Where were the relaxing days of gentle breeze and soft sun. Where did it all go wrong?

This was unacceptable. This was downright outrageous. In a fit of desperation, she booted up her favourite video game. Unexpectedly, it doesn’t load. After a few minutes of anxious waiting, she is redirected to the game launcher. There’s a new update. Terraria has a Summer Solstice Update.

Nani?

Summer Solstice? Isn’t that…
…the 21st of June?
It’s June?
Worse, it’s the 21st already?
JUNE IS ALMOST OVER?

There’s only about…a month of vacation left. 
What have I done all this while? Good God, I’ve done…
…absolutely nothing.

There’s only about a month left. I’ll have to go back to college. I’ll have to go back to working all day and studying and assignments and labs and boring lectures and…

…I’ll have to leave home again. All within a month.

But,

What has home been to me? Home wasn’t what I expected. It’s different. It’s grown. It’s changed. It’s no longer the warm comfy blanket it once was. It’s definitely still warm, and welcoming, but something’s amiss.

It’s not ready to talk to me.
Maybe it’s me. 
Maybe I’m not ready to talk to it.

What am I doing with my life?
Everyone’s off working and learning and playing and going out and enjoying life. 
Everyone’s doing something…
…something worth remembering. 

Yikes.

What should I do?
You know what? No.
Let’s take this systematically.

Let’s tackle this properly.
Do I have work to do? Nope.
What am I interested in doing now? Nothing much.
Can I find any new things to do? Not really.
Should I go out and socialise? No, I’ve done that enough.
Am I comfortable where I am? No, I feel stagnant.
Should I reduce my coping mechanisms? No, why should I? They’re my only semblance of the feels and the emotions.

Lies. At such a critical point in the thought process, all the brain can do is lie. The answer to each question, inevitably, is a lie. Why is the brain lying? What is it running away from?

Nothing, really.

The brain is simply bored beyond its limits. Having already given up on the world around it, it had taken matters into its own hands earlier and unleashed the world inside itself.

And now…

…it has grown tired of its own world.

Absolutely wild. The world, that the brain has complete control over, has become boring.

Nothingness can really shatter a person from the inside.

I want to go back. I want to go back to college.

And finally, after everything the brain has been through, it misses the times before. The times when it didn’t have enough time to stop and think. The times when…

…there was always something to do…

…always.

*glances at the clock*

Who needs sleep anyway? What’s the point? I have no idea what I’m supposed to do after waking up, either.

Maybe the brain was right this time around? It saw nothing worth doing. If there is nothing to do, there is nothing to wake up early for. Thereby, there is nothing to fall asleep early for.

What a time.
What a time.
What a time.

Will I even get out of this mess? Why do I feel so numb?
How do I even snap out of this?
I think I need a drastic change.
Maybe, I’ll do something I really hated doing.
Maybe, I’ll study. Maybe, I’ll try to play table tennis.
Maybe, I’ll...

Huh. I can’t sleep?

*after many tumultuous hours, rocking in the bed, she slowly falls asleep*

Imagine a massive stage. A stage large enough to accommodate the entirety of Merchant of Venice, as envisioned by Shakespeare himself. Now, imagine this stage is very well decorated and is full of props, backdrops, scenery panels and actors.

Imagine this entire stage, balanced on a pointed tip. That’s it. The entire stage, with all its weight, resting on a singular point.

That’s what overthinking can do. It can sustain an unbelievable weight of emotions on a singular supposition. A single slip, a single misapprehension, a single thought in the wrong direction and suddenly, the weight of the world is crashing down on the mind.

Wild. Overthinking is wild.

Fortunately, there’s this thing that keeps happening to people. The experts call it…

“Change”.

As luck would have it, she had to shift homes over the Summer. Not too far, but far enough.

It was a fresh start. A new beginning. A blank canvas. Or so it seemed…

But no. She was not ready to have a repeat of everything that happened over June. She was done. She had spent enough time with the voices in her head. It was time for new friends. It was time for new scenery and new worlds. The world inside her brain was pretty in its own sense, but it had no right to be the sole world in her Universe. Worse, it had no place being the main world in her Universe.

She decided to take matters into her own hands. She called up her old friends. She called up her college friends. She met up with family. She went on that boating trip she was putting off for so long because “Who likes boats?” She sat down to paint. She took to decorating her room. She took the time to meticulously clean her piano and re-tune it. She decided to get a new phone cover. She, after years of staying away from the species on a whole, knelt down to pet a cat. She danced around in her room without a care in the world. She tried to cycle to her highschool and back. She found a new momo shop to visit with friends. She watched that new anime movie that came out in theatres, with someone special, ofcourse. She learnt how to drive. She realised why Parker pens wrote so well. She found out how electret microphones worked. She took a secret liking to statistics and algorithms. She found a buttload of new memes to show her friends.

She survived. She lived. She thrived.

Bit by bit, she filed down the pointed tip that was holding up the stage. Bit by bit, she managed to shake up the stage and the world it carried.

Bit by bit, she managed to push some weight off the stage. By the time she managed to push the stage over, she could already feel it.

The breath of fresh air. The change of pace. The tingling inside. A true sense of emotion. A feeling. Of what, you ask?

Immaterial.

The answer to that question is immaterial. There was a feeling, and she felt it, truly, boundlessly, wholly.

The Summer, at long last, is Summering like Summer should Summer.

I wonder what tomorrow will be like. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll like it a little more than I liked today. Maybe,. I’ll...

*falls asleep, peacefully this time*

*zipper zips*

Not bad, I have about 2 hours to relax. Maybe the traffic won’t be that bad today. It’s a Thursday, after all.

What a Summer it’s been. There were downs, sure. Followed by some other really deep downs, yes, but…

…there were some ups, too. Some nice ups, the sort of ups that are worth bearing the downs for? Maybe that’s a little extreme, but they were worth remembering for sure.

Somehow, she’d done it all. She’d dwelled in the darkest world her brain could take her to. Somehow, she’d made friends with all the voices in her head. Lastly, she somehow survived a full Summer of doing absolutely…nothing.

After all, I guess humans were never meant to do nothing huh?